Without further ado, here are the batshitbabes of 2011, courtesy of our friend and yours, McMike:
January:
After a vigorous round of voting, the winners were tallied. Now that you've seen and reviewed them all, here are the winners:
The second runner up with 10% of the total points is - Miss June, Karin Mackaliunas from Scranton, PA ,take a bow! By being involved in an auto accident after stuffing 54 bags of heroin, cash, empty bags and assorted pills in her vagina, she has been voted our second runner up. Congratulations!
The first runner up with 30% of the total points is - Miss December, Michelle Watson representing Prescott, Arizona was only one point behind our winner. Not only did she steal our hearts by driving on the sidewalk, yelling, pushing, and kicking a police officer in the crotch, she also did it at three times the legal limit, which might explain why she won the award for "Best Mugshot." Until now, I did not know that there was a charge in the AZ books called. "DUI-super extreme" Thank you Michelle, for teaching us something as well.
A babe who's batshittiness has no equal, and a babe we could have never crowned if it wasn't for your votes.
Announcing for the fist time - Your winner…with 31% of the total points.
Miss April - your Jalopnik Batshit Babe of the year, 2011.
Representing Bismark, ND, Miss Christine Stroh jumped into our lives late last winter. In an attempt to elude police, she bailed from behind the wheel of a moving car, slipped on the ice, and hid her barefoot drunk-ass in the bushes; leaving her passengers behind, and taking both airbags with her. While many can’t blame anyone for wanting to jump out of Pontiac Sunfire, we suggest that it be performed when the car isn’t moving.
In spite of not scoring well in the Dakoota winter games, she still managed to win the awards of "Would Hit," and "Babe I would most like to have a drink (or 12) with." There were no explanation accompanying the votes, but we suspect it was because motorboat.
In addition to the winners, the #oppositelock community also took the time to vote on special awards. For 2011, they were:
Miss December wins the title of "Best mug shot."
This award has nothing to do with crazy, your story, or what you look like in your brief episodes of sanity. This award is presented to you because you take one. Kick. Ass. Mug. Shot. To be honest, I would expect this kind of quality mug shot from someone who was arrested for streaking, or who chose to get arrested to make a point. The fact that you drove on the sidewalk, kicked an officer in the crotch, resisted arrest, all while at three times the legal limit, and are still able pose like that, makes it even more epic. Who has two thumbs and no shame? You do!
Miss April wins the title of "Would Hit It."
There are many things that could first cross one’s mind as they come across these stories. Thoughts like, "Damn, she crazy," "Lucky she didn't kill anyone," "Poor car," or even as simple "LMAO" are some of them. Not you. You are something quite special when the first thought that came to our mind when we saw you "would hit." Ahhh, those soft, sweet words. Even if you were to jump out of the car and leave me screaming in the passenger seat, you will always have that redeeming quality of being the "hit it" girl of 2011. Call me.
Miss April also wins the title of "Babe I would most like to have a drink (or 12) with"
Any number of drinks will do. Winning this award tells us that you are fun. or easy. or just crazy enough to be entertaining. or easy. You jumped out of a moving car while under the influence, which means that jumping into a bed may not be too far of a stretch. Just let me drive, OK?
Miss February wins the title of "Most Crazy."
You are fucking crazy. For Christ's sake, you ran over your cousin with a car (twice) because some dude friended her on Facebook before you? Honestly, it doesn't matter if you were drunk, mad, jealous, high, or hungry, none of that could possibly explain your behavior. You crazy.
Miss February also wins the title of "Most likely to be a contestant in 2012*."
Melanie, this is probably the least flattering of the awards. Not only are you batshit this year, but we think you are also stupid enough to not learn from your mistakes and are willing to take another crack at the title. It could be because you are "Most Crazy," or simply because meth.
*depends on number of remaining cousins.
Miss March wins the title of "Least likely to share my real number/address with."
Most of us think you score high enough on the crazy scale to be extremely unpredictable. So unstable and unpredictable that we are afraid to allow you access to our real last name, let alone an address/email/Facebook page/phone number/place of employment (especially our place of employment). Who can blame us? You torched your boyfriend’s car at work. I wouldn't even give you my old AOL address. You scare me.
Miss October wins the title of "Just had one really bad day,"
Honestly sweetheart, you probably don't belong here. Sure, you got drunk and stole a school bus with plans to drive it to California, but haven’t we all done some nutty things after a bad breakup before? Those of us that voted for you must have, and are thinking, "Well shit, that can happen to anyone…right?" Take care of yourself, and remember that the next time you want to take a bus to California, just buy a ticket.
Votes were cast and tallied by McMike in #oppositelock.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for enjoying The Daily Hoon. Have a safe, happy, and wonderful New Year.
